Why?

It's strange,
I almost feel as if retracting,
shrinking,
going back,
becoming more selfish, and self interested-
getting back to the things that make me feel strong as a man-
will cure this feeling.
Even imagining it now,
almost takes away this longing, pain.
If I imagine seeing her less,
keeping my mouth shut,
withholding my emotion,
donning arrogance like a new hat,
then this anxiety seems to slip into submission.
Why?
When all I've ever wanted is closeness,
openness,
vulnerability
why?