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Just let me see it
So I can give up on you
Your fatal flaw
You've been hiding so well
I can feel it
Right beneath the surface
I can sense it
Somewhere behind my back
Let me know you
So I can let go...
The noose around my neck
Stop hiding it
So I can finally falter
Put away this charade and let me see...

Just A Start

Let go now,
unclench your torrid grip from my scalp.
I'll hold my own head under water.
You did.
My Pavlovian reaction is deep-rooted,
automatic...

Lost

Can you see?
Is it apparent
that I'm wasting away?
Full up in this,
yet withering.
You're literally killing me.
Softly?
Yes,
and no.
The best
but the very worst.
Sweet and all at once
vile, bitter.
Where do I go now?

Feeling

It's strange
this feeling
so uneasy
throat choking
stomach kinked
thoughts ransacked- the scene of a robbery gone wrong.
I can't seem to control the content,
nor do I have the discipline to find the off switch.
I've got all this time that I could be doing something constructive
but all I seem to be doing is self destructing.
Why should I feel this way?
When I feel like I've finally found all that I was looking for my whole life,
why do I feel so scared?
Why do I feel like I will wake up one day
and find that she is gone?

Why?

It's strange,
I almost feel as if retracting,
shrinking,
going back,
becoming more selfish, and self interested-
getting back to the things that make me feel strong as a man-
will cure this feeling.
Even imagining it now,
almost takes away this longing, pain.
If I imagine seeing her less,
keeping my mouth shut,
withholding my emotion,
donning arrogance like a new hat,
then this anxiety seems to slip into submission.
Why?
When all I've ever wanted is closeness,
openness,
vulnerability
why?

Without a name

I'm not sure what to call this
Though, it feels an awful lot like anxiety.
My mind starts racing,
thoughts blurr by
feelings blend and shapeshift.
Control?
This feels like drowning- when your last conscious effort to reach air has escaped you,
or falling- when flailing and your sympathetic replace all thought,
or being smothered- after every muscle in your body is too fatigued to fight back.
There is no solution,
nothing I can do,
once the wheels start spinning.
Ever downhill,
spiraling
further and further
into imaginations mysery.

Doot doot doot

Music,
how do you do it?
I'm going along
doing just fine
almost on cruise
I haven't touched the dial
or noticed a DJ
my thoughts flow in and
out
mirroring your beat
the ebs and lulls
cast little effect
and then
a chord is struck
my throat chokes tight
vision waterlogged and
stained
not a shade of red or yellow
nothing so vibrant or bright