Feeling

It's strange
this feeling
so uneasy
throat choking
stomach kinked
thoughts ransacked- the scene of a robbery gone wrong.
I can't seem to control the content,
nor do I have the discipline to find the off switch.
I've got all this time that I could be doing something constructive
but all I seem to be doing is self destructing.
Why should I feel this way?
When I feel like I've finally found all that I was looking for my whole life,
why do I feel so scared?
Why do I feel like I will wake up one day
and find that she is gone?

Why?

It's strange,
I almost feel as if retracting,
shrinking,
going back,
becoming more selfish, and self interested-
getting back to the things that make me feel strong as a man-
will cure this feeling.
Even imagining it now,
almost takes away this longing, pain.
If I imagine seeing her less,
keeping my mouth shut,
withholding my emotion,
donning arrogance like a new hat,
then this anxiety seems to slip into submission.
Why?
When all I've ever wanted is closeness,
openness,
vulnerability
why?

Without a name

I'm not sure what to call this
Though, it feels an awful lot like anxiety.
My mind starts racing,
thoughts blurr by
feelings blend and shapeshift.
Control?
This feels like drowning- when your last conscious effort to reach air has escaped you,
or falling- when flailing and your sympathetic replace all thought,
or being smothered- after every muscle in your body is too fatigued to fight back.
There is no solution,
nothing I can do,
once the wheels start spinning.
Ever downhill,
spiraling
further and further
into imaginations mysery.